Parents, Parenting & Trusting the World

19/09/2006

The other day I was in the company of a person whose restless dissatisfaction with life was palpable. At a certain moment, I realized with a shock that she simply didn’t believe that I would keep a promise I was making her. This made me wonder why I would never have doubted it in similar circumstances. Of course, the answer is that I learned in my earliest months and years to trust the world, whereas she learned distrust. No doubt she is better protected than I am against tricksters and disappointment, but I felt a surge of gratitude to my parents for the quality of their love and care.

Does this mean that women like the one I met are somehow condemned to a negative emotional life? Or that I am condemned to an unrealistic optimism that is sure to bring me down some day? No, because we all know that we take over responsibility for our own lives when we become adults. The question is exactly how best to take on this responsibility and assess the deep assumptions that are inculcated into us as children.

The interesting thing is that we never achieve reassessment in isolation. It is as we interact with others, mentors, friends and yes, enemies too, that we are empowered to grow and change so that the choices we make are really that – choices. It’s like what Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” So we need intervention as we live our lives. If we do not examine our drives and reactions to events effectively, we are guilty of something else Einstein expressed so well. He said it was insanity to do “the same thing over and over again and expect different results.”

We instinctively and sometimes unconsciously take as heroes and models those people who serve our built-in drive towards health. So the good news is that even kids from severely dysfunctional homes can lift themselves out of that insane pattern of repeating cruelties and delusions. And we more normal folks can overcome our tendencies towards distrust or whatever bad mental habit through our own willingness and with the help of others.

Submitted by Melanie Steyn, celebrated writer & contributor for kimknightcoaching