An Expat at Sixty

17/09/2006

I became an expat when I was well into my fifties. All the scary adjustments were even harder to make because I felt I didn’t belong in the crowd of expat graduates who were paying off study loans and giddy with youth. So I was lonely but determined to be brave, with the result that I didn’t even realize how lonely I was. In fact, I was having a real identity crisis. Who was I when everything familiar had fallen away?

One day I was clipping my fingernails and noticed that they were not as supple as they had been. I remembered how my grandfather’s horny, crumbling nails had revolted me, and anticipated my old age with a sinking sense of horror.

But I was having other experiences as well. When I did go out to a pub for an hour or two I was astonished at how many young expats really wanted to speak to me. They had a need for an older ear into which they could pour things they might not tell their drinking buddies. Part of their culture shock was the loss of older Western people, just as the loss of the younger generation of my own culture was part of mine. A few of them said that I was an example to them.

When a colleague of mine left to go back home at the end of her contract, she said that having me around made her feel safe. I was amazed. I’d assumed that the presence of an older woman could perhaps have been seen as some sort of handicap.

So I was able to start redefining myself and claiming a worthy identity that did not depend on my history, possessions or family.

Of course, I still don’t fit in with that crowd of youngsters as just one of the crowd, but I’ve seen that there is a place for me, as a mother figure, referee or older friend. When I looked more closely, I saw that the graduates weren’t all equally young, that there were other lonely people, economic refugees, adventurers, fugitives, all sorts. I could be one of the motley crowd; no one would attempt to exclude me. I had at first been disqualifying myself with fear, preconceived ideas and low self-esteem.

Submitted by Melanie Steyn, a celebrated contributor to kimknightcoaching