Are you facing the challenges of a Long Distance Relationship?

03/06/2006

As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them across a long distance can be extremely challenging. However, it is possible to live miles apart, and still build or maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship.

Are you asking yourself some of the following questions?
• Can a long-distance relationship work?
• Does distance automatically mean the end of a relationship?
• Will the distance cause us to grow apart eventually?
• What about loneliness? Won't one eventually cheat or lose interest?
• Is it possible to have a happy, strong relationship if we live so far apart?
• How can we make this work for both of us?

You are not alone. With the advances in technology and globalization, long distance relationships are becoming more common. There are thousands of others like you around the world who have faced the same challenges and come through the experience stronger and closer. Relationships make life special, and ones built on love & understanding are worth nurturing, regardless of the miles that separate you.

Emotional Stages of Separation
1. Elation: follows immediately after you have spent time together and you are on a high.
2. Lonely: 2-3 weeks after separating, you are now missing the other’s presence and feeling lonely without them.
3. Frustration: During weeks 5-6, you feel frustrated about the distance and challenges it presents.
4. Detached: By week 8-9, the separation is now the norm and you feel a sense of detachment from each other.

Do you notice any similarities between these stages and your experience? What has been your experience?
Equipped with this information, discuss with your partner the maximum time you are willing to be apart. Explore the length of separation that works best for you. Many couples find that it is ideal to see each other at least every 4-6 weeks, but work out what works best for you.

Physical separation can serve to strengthen your commitment and love for one another. Most people who have lived through a long distance relationship will probably agree that although their situation was difficult at times, the experience also strengthened them. Relationships built on solid foundations such as trust, love, and commitment cannot be shaken by mere absence. Long distance relationships can and do work, for thousands of people. The people who succeed have developed strategies and structures that support both themselves and their relationship during this time.

It is very important that you both are aware of your personal expectations of the other person and the relationship, and then discuss them with each other so that both of you are clear and can work out differences. Without this, each person is working on a very different relationship than the other, and problems are likely. Discuss your expectations and level of commitment. Use this stage of your relationship to build the foundation for the relationship you want to have.
When apart, focus on positives and on the next time you will be together. Make plans about what you will do together. Plan activities you both enjoy. Do things that draw the two of you closer, rather than emphasize the distance between you. How can you use this time to strengthen your relationship?
Be creative and have fun. Look for ways to enhance both your own life and your relationship while apart. Send each other cards, write each other poetry. Read a book together. Send each other special gifts. Be creative, have fun, use this special time as a way to express your creativity and romantic nature. Look for ways to nurture your relationship.

When my partner and I lived apart for 10 months when I was working in Fiji, he sent me the most beautiful cards, with words of love & caring. Receiving those cards was the highlight of my week and kept me feeling special and close to him. What can you both do that will maintain or strengthen your sense of connection during this time? How can you use this time productively to develop and grow your relationship?

Discuss how often you will talk on the phone. Keep the focus of your phone conversations on connecting with each other. Defer major issues to emails or when you are together. Trying to resolve major issues over the phone can be extremely difficult and non-productive.

With awareness and determination, you can put plans, structures and strategies in place that will creatively use this time apart to strengthen and create the relationship you want.

Be creative, have fun, use this time to your advantage.

Submitted by Deb Kolb, kimknightcoaching approved & welcomed contributor